LET’S PLAY HOUSE?

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I remember how we used to pretend like husband and wife while I was young. Anytime my brother and I had a female cousin around, we played house. Someone gets to play the role of the father; our cousin plays the mother and another, the child. It was fun, we would do so many things we felt was expected of our role as a family. Of course, these roles were based on actual events and stuff our parents did. In other words, we were playing out a script. Over the years, kids at a certain age do ‘play house’. Some with their peers and others with dolls…

I believe strongly that just like those years way back…boys grow up to be men, girl becomes a lady or woman (choose one. Lol!) But the role play remains the same. It’s become a kind of stereotype to have husband do this and the wife do that. We come into marriage with what we feel is a ‘job description’.

The man needs to pay the bills, play with the kids, take the family out often, wash the car, and take the wife out to see a movie, then a late dinner culminating in a sweet sexual experience at night, be sensitive, protect the family and basically provide for the needs of the family. In fact if he is unable to do these, we quote

 1Timothy 5:8

“But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.”

The woman or lady is expected to be domestic! Domestic is interpreted based on what we define it to be i.e. taking care of the kids, cooking, keeping the house etc. If she is found wanting we say she is not wise because in

Proverbs 14: 1

“Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.”

The real issue here is that most times we get so carried away that we forget the true reason why we have been brought together. We get so carried a way doing the job that we do not put in the necessary! It becomes mechanical. Almost as a default.

What happens is that your home becomes like an office. In the office you do what’s expected of you and you in turn expect to be paid. There are so many people working for bosses they do not like. It’s by default. Do what you are expected to do and get paid. The company is sure of your loyalty as long as they pay your bills. Many homes are like these. Do what you need to do and we have a happy marriage...yuck!

If we do not understand some basic truths, we will never come to a place of maximising the best of one another.

So, why did God create marriage? Didn’t he have roles for us? Is he not the one that came with the idea of man being the head and stuff? If there’s any confusion, didn’t He start it?

God is not an author of confusion! If he says the man is the head it’s no reason for any man to abuse that office or responsibility. If he set roles, we should ask ourselves, how have we being interpreting these roles? Mechanically? Almost as a default? Have we been playing house? And not really been in a marriage? Playing house is pretence because way back then i was not a father and my cousin was definitely not my wife and i couldn’t have given birth to my brother. So it was made up, not real. Many homes are like that because they play house.

Let’s look at the scripture

Genesis 2:24

“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

I have highlighted some words. These words have deep meaning and i intend to use them to buttress my point.

 A MAN,...his WIFE:  The bible acknowledges the fact that they are separate and unique individuals with probably different upbringing, experiences and perceptions. For effectiveness, it’s only natural and very brilliant idea to have roles that will help them in the union. Don’t you think so?

LEAVE...CLEAVE: it is expected that we leave so many stuff behind when coming into marriage.. you will need to let go of so many things even those that you feel has kept you sane in life. Do not get me wrong! I am not calling for wholesale clearout sales! But you must make room in your heart and life for the unique individual coming in. If you do not do these, there will never be a cleaving (Coming Together)

THEY SHALL BE ONE FLESH:  the ultimate goal of marriage is becoming one. Your perceptions, experiences and your objectives becomes one. At this point it doesn’t matter if she did not cook, you can get in there and do the cooking without feeling let down or unappreciated. If he is unable to meet up to a pending bill, she can always pay it because its now one body not separate individuals.

Many go through marriage dwelling more on their individualities than unity. Your individual strengths and weaknesses cannot achieve much in this union. That’s why many are geniuses at work or in other endeavours and are unable to get it right at home.

Marriage is a spiritual union. Its principles are spiritual and it take understanding these principles for it to work effectively.

Will round up with three basic truths.

#1: Love does it: We cannot effectively interpret our roles without love for one another. Whether you wash, clean or scrub, if it’s done with love, it augurs well for the home. Nobody will feel left out, unappreciated or abused. Communication will be better and effective, prayer will be stronger and the enemy will scamper off for safety.

#2: He only wants Respect: ladies, all he wants is to be treated with a respect. At first i always wondered why this was so but i saw in the scriptures that all man needs is in that word R.E.S.P.E.C.T. the bible is complete. A man that is respected in his home will go out of his way to get things done with his family in mind. Many marriages break because the wife has little or no regard for the man.

Ephesians 5:22-24

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.”

#3: She only wants to be loved: Guys, quit fighting so hard to know what she wants or believe the lie that ladies are so insatiable, all she wants is to be loved. A woman will blossom if love is applied. She responds to love! Have you ever tried wooing your spouse all over again? It’s not about riches or fame, it’s about love. When was the last time you said ‘ I love you’?, how often do you say these words from the depths of your heart? What about buying her things? Taking time out just for her and the kids? What about her dreams? How have you encouraged her to improve in the word of God? Can she say she has been blessed by marrying you? Love her..the bible says so.

Ephesians 5:25

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

Colossians 3:19

“Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.”

So, what am I expected to do, some may ask? That marriage is worth saving. Go on your knees and pray to God for help.

Start to love your wife and ladies start to respect him too. Do things with love in mind and the God of all grace will turn things around in our favour.

God help us to live according to His precepts that we may have the fullness of what He has prepared for us in Jesus mighty Name.

Love you

LOST TO TIME

Growing up was sweet. The early stages of my life were sweet stories of parents that loved me. I was the first born and got all I wanted till my brother was born and I had to share. As a child I did not understand why. So many times, I would chase him away from my mother’s lap. I was just a year and two months older but it felt like a decade.

There were so many things I learnt from my parents. I recall my father taught me how to spell words. He also exposed me at a tender age to his books. He did not write one but he had so many books. He studied English Literature and so I was exposed to literary works of Wole Soyinka, Elechi Amadi, Ken Saro Wiwa, Chinua Achebe, and William Shakespeare. I had the privilege of diving into lots of medieval stories, stories about knights, dragons and the likes.

Remember my mother taught me how to read the time. She used an old broken down grandfather clock, you know the one with a dangling and oscillating pendulum? Yes! That one. She also ensured we knew how to fast and made sure we were respectful to our elders irrespective of who they were.

Our parents were at home to teach morals, it complimented the teachings we had at school and in church. It was so easy for us to know a friend was trying to lead us astray once their suggestions do not align with the ones we got from our parents.

Stealing was pretty difficult! My mum knows all she bought for us up to the tiniest eraser and sharpener. She had our names scribbled on them. If you came home with any stuff that she did not give you it was hell. I would sit on the floor in between my father’s legs.

But it seem most of these have been lost to time! Such precious times to impart into our kids are now left to lesson teachers or house helps. Many fathers only see their kids on Sunday or when Labour declares a sit at home order. Many mothers are out there contributing their financial quota to the upkeep of the family. So little time for the kids.

If we can be true to ourselves, many fathers have lost touch with their kids, same as mothers. The house help is left with added responsibility of child upbringing and you can only give what you have. The society is breeding kids that are unruly, kids that have a totally different perception to their parents. Kids nowadays do not greet their elders. They do not even greet their parents. Do not get me wrong, there were unruly kids in my days and even before I was born but look at many of the touts out there. They do not have fathers investing in them. If they did we would not have many of them out there.

Many homes have scattered, some barely holding on while others are suffering because the man of the house was not taught! Many wife beaters and selfish fathers have arisen because he was not taught responsibility by his father and mother.

Many ladies cannot cook a decent meal, let me use the words of a dear friend of mine, Bola Onime, many will ‘burn tea’ and are not able to keep house because they grew up without the influence of a mother.

Please, we might not be able to change our past but kindly help the future by investing in your children this moment. Teach them the way of the Lord Jesus Christ. Teach them to love by loving. Be great examples to your children. My parents were not perfect but as I grew up I could draw a line between their weaknesses and their strengths. What better way to choose the good than evil than when you have both standing side by side and you choose the good?

MY MUMMY'S CANE

MY MUMMY’S CANE

 A Pastor and his wife decided to visit a very committed member of the church one Saturday afternoon. The pastor had recommended the man to the church board for the next set of Deacons in the church. He was punctual and had handled so many responsibilities handed to him very well. A church needs such people in her workforce.

As they arrived the member’s place he welcomed them with a sweet smile. He ushered them to a seat. They felt so welcomed.  The man asked to go into the room to tell his wife. As the pastor wanted to seat he noticed a rather large stick, he picked it up and was about to toss it to the side when the man’s very young boy spoke.

“That is my mummy’s cane”

The pastor and his wife felt so disappointed in the man’s wife. It was rather large stick! The pastor’s wife drew the boy close and spoke to his ear

“We will tell your mummy not to beat you with the stick again”

The boy looked at them puzzlingly and spoke out loud.

“It is the cane my Daddy uses to beat my mummy when they are fighting everyday!”

“Jesus!” they both exclaimed

I ask myself why the number of men who beat their wives is astronomically high and still increasing. Many ladies are walking around bruised and battered with forced smiles and make up covering the so many marks of constant physical assault by men they profess to love.

What could make a man hit a woman? I have thought this over and I have been married for over four years now and though there were times my sweetheart made me so angry but the thought of hitting her never came! No it never came! Why would I hit her? The worst I have ever done is to walk away.

But there are many men out there who are not disciplined enough. They easily get into fights with their siblings, bus conductors, petrol station attendants and as such would not pass over a chance to fight their wives.

I have asked many ladies why they are in the situation in the first place but they give so many reasons. ‘He was never like this back then’ or ‘I don’t know what came over him?’ but is it true people can just become ‘brand new’ the next moment?

No matter how perfectly deceptive a man may be, there are signs that will give him away.There are signs to look out for in a man that could point to him being a potential wife beater! Will just mention them here but later right deeply about them. The abusive man will have mood swings that could be within a fraction of a second. He could change moods from Aggressive and abusive to Apologetic and caring and back again to Aggressive within a matter of minutes. He is manipulative, jealous, and possessive and tries to keep you away from friends and family. He is always right and must win in all situations. He shouts at you even in public and beats his siblings.                                       

So, what if a lady is already in an abusive relationship?  If you are not married to him please end that relationship before he ends you. If you are married to him, report his case to your pastors. If you notice that the beating continues, please ask for a separation. Run away from him.  As fast as you can.

For men, who are wife beaters, you have a problem. Seek help. See your pastors or contact me 08038343211 or 07044967658. Let us talk and pray about it. God can change you and save your marriage. There is hope for your home and for you.

IF BEDS COULD TALK

I remember a few years ago when my wife was pregnant and had to stay at her mother’s to be close to the Hospital she had registered, I suddenly found myself alone. Who says you can’t find yourself alone in marriage? And before you ask, “why did she not register close enough to home?’I have the answer! It was one of those ‘seasons’ General Hospitals decided to embark on strike which made many pregnant women register with two hospitals.

As a writer and Pastor, I always cherish time to be alone but this was different. The nights were so long and so lonely. Tried praying but it did not suffice, tried to sleep but it eluded me alas I understood why God said it is not good for man to be alone.

As I rolled from one end to another my bed spoke… it was soft yet imposing, it was blunt! I knew I miss my wife. Do not get me wrong, it was not because she was not there to make sweet love to. No! This was different.

My wife and I have had great times on the bed and not so great times. There were times when I kept to my side of the bed and she did same while we allowed time sort out issues before the dawn. There were also times we spoke till it was almost morn giggling and laughing.

So what did your bed say you may ask?

 The fan was on but I was hot, the bed felt so cold like stone and when I asked the bed why it was so, it reminded me that over the years my wife and I have had so many great times and this I remembered. The bed reminded me of these times. I smiled and closed my eyes till I slept off. It was like my bed read bedtime stories.

Let me ask you (the married folks), if your bed could talk like mine, what do you think will be the stories? Do you have good enough stories to send you to sleep or bad ones that will keep you awake because you are scared the events might bring a nightmare?

I do not judge your marriage based on mine because every home has issues unique to it. I just want us to take time to celebrate the seasons of happiness with our spouse.

So, are you alone at home? Try and listen to the voices around you! Let them sing you a lullaby. A sweet melody of love and respect for the one you love.

Cheers.